HARD DAY!

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  I was happy that I was able to go to church....we had an awesome service on commitment and also had communion.  I  love Fellowship North so much...they are like my family.  When it was time to fill out our commitment cards, there were boxes to check for either single or married.  I know in my heart, I will always be married to Pete....just as I will always be a Mother to Jennifer.  When asked how many children I have, I always say that I have one daughter that passed away.  Now, when asked if I am married or single, I will say married and write the word "widow"!  I don't like this word, and never thought that it would apply to me.  I guess in our minds, we think that it won't happen....but it does, in God's time and in His plan for each of us. 

I had such an empty feeling when coming home yesterday....knowing that Pete would not be here when I came home.  I miss him so much.  I always will.  We were married when I was 18 years old...a long time ago!  I have my memories of him and the dreams we shared.  I am ever so grateful for the promise that I will see him again!

I am sure that I will have many more hard days....just have to take it one day at a time....and know that I have my family, friends, and God to get me through them.  I am very grateful that I have my furry little daughters to keep me busy and entertained!

LONG TWO WEEKS!

It is hard to believe that just two weeks ago today, at this time of day, I was making coffee for us and we were making plans for the day.  Little did I know, that would be the last cup of coffee that I would make for my husband of 42 years....how many cups of coffee had I made during those years?  That was probably our most favorite times  of the day....sitting outside drinking our coffee and watching the dogs run and play!  I think the little things in life are what bring us the most pleasure.....I know this did, especially when our humming birds were here!

I look back on the past several months or even the past year, and I question myself whether or not I tried to push him too hard.  I know that he didn't feel well and was in so much pain.  I just kept telling him that if he tried to stay out of bed and get a little exercise, that it would make him feel better.  Right or wrong in my thinking, I know that he knew, as well as I did, that it was done out of love for him.  I just wanted him to be able to enjoy life again.  In my mind, I had hoped that he would get stronger each day.  I wanted him to be able to live the dreams we shared....a big garden and spending more time with friends and family.  I know that over the past year, people thought that I was sometimes worrying too much, about not wanting to leave him here alone, while I went to Little Rock....maybe that was the case, but I wouldn't have done it any other way.  I did what I know in my heart, I needed to do.  I don't regret any of that.

We pray for the people that we love and care about.  God is a loving God and he listens to our prayers and answers them.  He may not answer them in the way we hope for, but He does answer them, according to the plan that He has for each of us.  I prayed continually that Pete would feel better and be out of the pain he was in.  Guess what?  He is no longer in pain, and he is with Jennifer, Jesus and other loved ones that had passed before him!  Isn't that what I had prayed for?  That he would no longer suffer.  I will keep my faith always, being ever so grateful that I was given the promise that I will see them again.

I just hope that everyone realizes how very precious our time is with our loved ones and that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow....that we need to let our loved ones know how much we love them, how much they mean to us, and not get so caught up in life, that we don't take the time for them.  The most important thing for everyone  to know is that God gave his only Son, so that we can all have everlasting life and be with our loved ones forever!  I don't know how people who don't believe, can make it through the days of loss.  God is good and He is good ALL the time!  I will keep my faith, and keep trying to have a closer walk with Him, and try to do more for others!

SAYING GOODBYE!!!

It is so hard to believe that almost exactly twelve hours after I had written my previous post, my life would so dramatically change again.  As I said in the previous post, Pete had started feeling bad again on Friday.  Saturday morning we he got up, he was still very tired.  We went to the hardware store, where he had trouble walking.  We came home, he said that he was wanted to take a nap, then would get up and take a shower.  I took his pulse ox, which was 95%.  He opened the front door, saw Jennifer's picture on the wall, and said Hello, Jennifer.  He has never done this before.  He told me that he loved me, but that I needed to stop worrying about him so much.  He said that I needed to check on him, every hour.....which he has never told me before...I drove him crazy checking on him all day and night.  His sister, Barb, and I were talking on the phone while I went to check on him, and he was gone!!!! My best friend of 42 years, was gone.  I had thought of this happening many times over the past year, and especially since it happened to Eddie, Barb's husband, in December.  You think about it, but you never really think that it will happen....you keep your faith, and you keep believing in miracles.  We must all realize how precious life is, not ever take life for granted, know that we are never promised tomorrow, to know for sure that God is always in control and that he has the plan for all of us.  I am grateful that Pete is no longer in the pain that he has been in this past year, that he went in his sleep, like he always said that he wanted to, most especially happy for him that he is now with Jennifer and other loved ones.  My heart is broken and I still feel like I am going to wake up, and this would have been another bad dream.....I loved him with all my heart and I always will and am grateful that he is in such a wonderful, pain free place with Jesus, Jennifer and all his loved ones.....that is the reason I can still proclaim that God is good and He is good ALL the time!!!

NICE SURPRISE

What a wonderful ending to a stressful week.  My friend from ACH, Shirley, sent me some pictures of Jennifer when she was about ten years old from CF camp.  I had made a scrapbook of CF camp days of Jennifer, but it was lost in the fire.  These pictures are ones that I had not seen before...there is even one of Jennifer on the top of Pinnacle Mountain.  Jennifer's friend, Christy, had sent me some camp pictures awhile back.  It is wonderful having these pictures.  Jennifer would have picked going to CF camp, over going anywhere else....she loved it. 

Hubby had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  He was prescribed some new medicines, and we were in hopes that this would help him.  Yesterday, he started having trouble again holding on to things.  I called the nurse and we cut back on one of the medicines to see if that will help.  He has had this problem before, and we don't really know the cause.  I just keep praying for a miracle, because I know that there are miracles....I just want my husband back, so he can enjoy the second chance at life that we have been given.  There are so many people that we love and know that are going through hard times right now....seems like the prayer list gets longer everyday.  I know the power of prayer and also know that God has the plan for each of us and that He is always in control.

I can hardly believe that it is already February....where does the time go?  I am looking forward to Spring and the return of the humminbirds....I will have their feeders ready for them.  We get so much enjoyment watching them.